So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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