this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
