im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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