you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
