Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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