Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
