By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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