Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
