omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
