At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
