She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
