LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Alive.
So much puke
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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