i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
