Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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