we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
