It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
