My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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