new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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