At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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