She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
