I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
