i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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