If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
