Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
That accounts for only three of the penises
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
