Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
