low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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