so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He uses pillows to masturbate.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
