Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize