I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
