How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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