I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
