Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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