my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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