the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
