we're chasing vodka with high fives
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
