I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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