Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
