I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
