i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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