who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
