Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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