Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
