btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
