I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
