you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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