If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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