Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
