Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
there is glitter all over my balls
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