i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
