I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
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