I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
