I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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