Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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