I'll bet she douches with gravy.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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