Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
