By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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