I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize