If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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