Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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