i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
